September 26, 2008

The recent invasion of Georgia by Russia caused brows to furrow and
eyebrows to ruffle (do eyebrows actually ruffle?..well anyways..) around the
globe. I for one was ready for my country to declare war on Russia, until I
learned that the "Georgia" in question was actually an independent nation in
central Europe and not an under-developed state here in the U.S.A.

It is my firm belief that any foreign nation that invades any United States
territory should expect that we will hit back and we will hit back hard. It is
also my firm belief that by taking names of current U.S. states, many nations
intentionally or unintentionally run the risk of pulling our great nation into a
broader global conflict.

I have no evidence to support my contention, but I believe that part of the
reason the United States got involved in Iraq was that President George W.
Bush actually believed events were happening in the United States. Middle
Easterners say Basra, George W. Bush says Boston. And when George W. hears
that the U.S. is under attack in Georgia, he's not going to hesitate to schedule a
bit more vacation and then give a statement saying that an attack on Georgia
is an attack on all of the United States.

To avoid this kind of confusion in the future, I would as President insist that
the rest of the world change the names of their cities, states, and nations to
insure that we don't have confusion like this in the future. Thus, not only the
nation of Georgia should change it's name, but also cities like York,
Manchester and London (in England), along with nations like China (to avoid
confusion with China-town) and Italy (to avoid confusion with Little Italy).
Further, I would insist that countries or cities like the Ukraine, Botswana and
Adelaide change their names to ensure that, just in case we get a less-educated
President than myself, we don't end up going to war over things that happen
in those countries/cities.

Russia and Georgia - September 26, 2008