April 5, 2008

I don't consider myself to be a lefty, hippie, wacko environmentalist, but I do
believe that the earth (and the resources within it) is in limited quantity and
should be respected and protected.

My major policy initiatives around the environment will focus on getting
individuals to play their part in securing the survival of our planet for future
generations. I plan on highlighting a few key actions that I already perform
today, and getting other Americans to do the same and to use my same sense of
creativity to come up with other innovative ways to save our the earth.

As example number one, I think it's important to demonstrate how we
Americans can combine multiple activities to reduce our overall carbon
footprint (I don't even know what that means, but it sounds like something
bad that in any case should be reduced). I will illustrate to my fellow
Americans how easy it is to save electricity by not blow-drying your hair after
bathing or showering. Think about how many people bathe and shower every
day, and how many of them waste precious energy by spending 5 or 10
minutes blow-drying their hair. Now think about how many people burn our
ever dwindling supply of gasoline to get to work every day. As an innovator, a
thinker, a man worthy of the title "President of the United States", I combine
these two activities to save our planet. After I shower, I get in my car and
drive to work. But I don't blow-dry my hair before I leave my house. Instead, I
roll down my window and drive to work with my head sticking out the
window, using "nature's blow-dryer" to coif my stylish follicles. I realize this
might be a bigger sacrifice for people living in Green Bay or Chicago in
February, but hey, we all have to do our part for the environment.

As example number two, I would again like to focus on combining common
resource-wasting activities that Americans generally perform separately.
Think about how much water is wasted because vanity (and neighborhood
associations) require you to have the greenest, lushest lawn in town. Now
think about how much water is wasted (and how many chemicals are
unleashed into our unsuspecting environment) by the dry cleaning industry.
Instead of viewing these day-to-day activities as separate but equal, I would
like to see Americans combine them into a single, resource-saving endeavor.
My proposal is that every American do what I do, which is to run through my
sprinklers wearing my dirty suits and dress shirts. Instead of destructive dry
cleaning chemicals, I use Irish Springs soap, whose name would seem to imply
that its ingredients are pure and fresh as the driven Irish snow. However,
you're free to choose the soap/detergent of your choice, as this is America and I
do not intend to legislate any particular soap/detergent for my
"sprinkle-cleaning" initiative.

As President, I intend to lead by example and chart a new "green" course for
the United States. The aforementioned steps are just the first phase of how I
will create a sustainable energy model for our country, and simultaneously
create a model that other countries around the world can embrace and emulate.
I challenge any of my competitors to propose an energy strategy as bold and
innovative as my plan.
The Environment - April 5, 2008