June 20, 2008

If you spend some time looking at world maps (which, as President, I expect
one does quite a bit), you will probably be struck (much as I was) by how
many silly and inappropriate names countries are using today. In some cases
this is due to historical attachments, in others it is due to the will of foreign
conquerors, but in all these cases one thing is clear; It's time to fix the silliness.
As President, I will work with these countries in question, along with
international organizations like the United Nations, UNICEF and "American
Idol" to help them find more appropriate names for the modern era.

First up is the North African country of Chad. Who names their country after
the guy who cleans your pool? Why not just name your country "Dude", or
maybe "Bruce" or "Herb"? I've never been to North Africa, but my guess is if
you do go there, and you meet a guy named Chad, he'll probably be wearing
shorts and flip-flops and talking about the hot chick he hooked up with on the
ferry ride over from Barcelona. Look at the countries around you, Chad! They
have North African names like Libya, Morrocco and Algeria. And you choose
to call yourself Chad. For shame, for shame!

On a similar line of thinking, who was this Stan guy who left such an
indelible impression on Central Asia? Afghani-STAN, Kazak-STAN,
Uzbeki-STAN, Beluchi-STAN...this Stan must have really been something.
I don't know about you, but when I think of Stans I don't generally think of
greatness. Sure, there were guys like Stan "The Man" Musial, or the Stanley
Cup, who cut a proud path for the Stans of the world. But they have few if any
ties to Central Asia.
Other Countries Names - June 20, 2008
When I think of Stans, I tend to think more of Stan Van Gundy (more of a
pudgy, sloppy guy) or Stanley Roper (the irascible handyman and landlord
from "Three's Company". And let's be honest here, nobody wants people to
think of their country as "Uzbeki-pudgy basketball coach" or "Afghani-Jack
Tripper's landlord".
Why not honor the noble legacy of Genghis KHAN instead, since he actually
lived there (or near there, I think)? I'm pretty sure most of the peoples of
central Asia just loved Genghis Khan, or at least feared him. How about
calling themselves, Afghanikhan, Kazakkhan, Uzbekikhan,
Beluchikhan...sounds better to me.

Another case in point is Montenegro. I understand that Montenegro was
cloaked in the shroud of the Evil Empire (i.e. the Soviet Union) for decades,
and then suppressed as part of independent Yugoslavia and then Serbia and
Montenegro. However, the world has changed a lot while all this was going
on, and I think it's long past time for Montenegro to throw off the shackles of
racism and racist terminology and  should change their name to reflect the
new sensibilities and enlightenment of the modern world. To that end, I will
use the bully pulpit of the presidency to cajole, coerce and encourage
Montenegro to formally change its name to "Monteafricanamerican".

When I take the oath of office on January 20, 2009, getting these crazy country
names changed will not be at the top of my list of things to do. It will be on
the list, though, so maybe I'll make my Vice-President do it for me. It's not
like the Vice-President does anything anyways, right?