October 27, 2008

I read an AP article today that noted that beer sales are falling in Great Britain
due to the increasingly bleak outlook for the international economy. The
British Beer and Pub Association reported that total beer sales fell 7%
year-to-year in the third quarter. I know that France is a sissy country where
they probably only drink beer when the wine spritzer and appletini supply
runs out, but a representative of French bar owners noted that beer sales have
been falling since January. In fact, through September French beer sales are
down 12% year-to-year. Even in Germany, which I think literally translates to
"The Land of Beer", beer sales for the first half of 2008 were down 1.7%
year-to-year.

Personally, I could give two shakes about bank collapses, or housing bubbles,
or Wall Street vs. Main Street bonus package issues. And I think the majority
of Americans are with me on this one. But when economic conditions threaten
the sanctity of beer consumption, or peanut butter cup consumption, then I feel
it is the obligation of the President to step in and lead our country back to the
home of the brave and the land of the free (which, in my opinion, means the
home where people drink beer and the land where they eat peanut butter
cups).

If you believe pollsters and census-takers, there are more and more people
(oftentimes in the millions of more people) coming to the earth every year. If
we have more people, and we're still drinking less beer, than it's clear that
we're becoming a planet of wimps, Milquetoasts and sissies. That may be fine
and OK with France, but it's not fine and OK with me. As President, one of
my first acts in office will be to assemble a
Pabst Blue Ribbon panel of beer
experts to investigate what is causing this drop-off in beer consumption, and to
brainstorm ideas to drive up beer consumption. Oh, we'll probably drink some
beers too, but I find that some of my best ideas come when I've got a beer or
four in me.

This panel will be chaired and led by me directly. I will also include my
German friend Karsten Schulz, as he can drink a lot of beer and he will add an
international element to our discussions. I will also include Barney from "The
Simpsons", as he seems to do nothing but drink beer and he would add an
animated (literally) element to my panel. Finally, I will include Norm from
"Cheers" on my panel. He clearly drinks a lot of beer, and everybody seems to
love him and know his name. Cliff Klaven, on the other hand, is annoying
and will be barred from my White House.

I don't know why I'm always the first candidate to pick up on big issues, but to
me it just reinforces my belief that I am the best qualified and really the only
qualified candidate to take hold our nation's highest office. And if any of the
other candidates want to challenge me on this, I say "bring it on!" (as long as
they're paying for the beers, of course).
A Truly Dire Economic Situation - October 27, 2008