Is there an issue important to you where you'd like details on my
position? Do you have a question that you would like a man of my
vast life experiences to answer honestly and openly? Send your
question to firstname.lastname@example.org and check back periodically to see
responses to your and other's questions....
Mr Willard -
I've decided to give your candidacy another look. I'm hoping you can help me with some
important decisions leading up to the election. I have recently filed to change my name legally
from The Clown Bananas to Comrade Clown Bananas in anticipation of an Obama victory. I
want to be ahead of the curve as we quickly pass the French in a race to resurrect the failed
policies of Marx (Karl, not Groucho or Harpo or Zippo or Sleepy or Doc).
That said, I am not in favor of income redistribution. I presently make hundreds of dollars a
year performing at birthday parties and corporate events. I can't stand the thought of some
lesser clown (like that guy in the etrade commercials) getting a handout because I am a more
successful clown then he is.
I know that there are people out there getting paid peanuts. I was one of them. But then the
elephants went on strike, and I was forced to leave the circus ... but that's not important right
now. The point is that if you make peanuts, you should get to keep them! All of them! Isn't that
why we kicked the King of England out in the first place?
Anyway, Mr Willard, as I'm sure you can tell, I am deeply concerned for the future of this
country. Can you lead us in these uncertain times? Are you the type of guy who will look
anywhere for solutions, even between the chiclets and the rubber bands?
Sincerely, Bananas the Clown
Great question again, Bananas! First, let me applaud your notations of various Marxes, although I
should note I was disappointed that you neglected to reference 80's pop legend Richard Marx. And
I don't want to nit-pick and act like a brainiac, but I do feel obligated to correct your historical
inaccuracy. The reason we kicked the King of England out of the USA was not related to income
redistribution; it was because we already had our own King (Elvis Aron Presley, God rest his soul...
thank you, thank you very much).
But on the larger point of your peanut supply, I can assure that as President you will be able to
keep any and all peanuts that you earn. I will veto any legislation that comes across my desk that
would tax in any way, shape or form peanuts that people earn through clownery, buffoonishness or
any other hard work or menial labor.
Dear Mr. Willard -
Having only recently learned of your exciting candidacy, I am enthusiastically supporting you
for President! It's my hope that, once you've had time to settle into the White House, you will
address a growing problem in this country. High Occupancy Vehicle Lanes are elitist,
represent a horribly inefficient use of taxpayer dollars, and are generally a pain in the you
know what for those of us in low occupancy vehicles.
The very concept of the government collecting money from all taxpayers, and then using those
funds to create something that benefits only the select few, is repugnant to me. How dare the
government take my money and then discriminate against me and tell me that I am not good
enough to drive in their fancy new, freshly paved HOV lanes. Where in the Constitution does
the government get the power to dictate that a person must share a ride with another person
in order to realize a government benefit? Government dictated sharing is something that the
Soviets were quite good at, as I recall.
I am troubled by the slippery slope we are doubtless on. Once the public accepts the HOV
lane, the government will feel comfortable dictating in other areas as well. It's no great leap to
go from the number of people you must have in your car to the number of people that must live
in your house. Want to live in a 4 bedroom house? Better have enough people to occupy all of
those bedrooms! Otherwise how can you justify the environmental impact of building a house
larger than you need? Don't have 3 kids? We'll assign a homeless person to you. Now that is
government solving 2 problems at once!!
In short, I believe the HOV lane is a direct assualt on all that makes this country great. And it is
paving the way (no pun intended) for further intrusions into our lives.
Anxiously awaiting the dawn of the Willard Era,
The lone commuter
Great question, lone commuter! From the length and thought behind your question, it is clear to
me that you, like me, have a lot of free time on your hands. I applaud you for devoting that free time
towards the Willard campaign. But back to the matter at hand...Despite the incessant "blah blah
blah" and sniping back and forth between the Obama and McCain campaigns, neither of them has
made any definitive statements regarding HOV lanes and housing occupancy levels. It is my
opinion (and my campaign position) that all roads paid for with tax dollars are public roads and
that no lanes on those roads should discriminate against anyone, regardless of their gender,
race, creed or number of passengers. However, I am in favor of restricting French people from
driving in any lane except the slow lane (the right-hand lane for the uninformed). In terms of
housing, it is the Willard philosophy that if you buy a house it's yours and you can choose who
lives or doesn't live there with you. In terms of the government forcing people to take in the
homeless, I would of course never allow that to happen on my watch. However, I am a firm
advocate of helping those in need, so when I take up residence in the White House in late January
I plan on inviting Ed McMahon, MC Hammer and that guy Screech from "Saved by the Bell" to live
there with me (though I will expect them to pitch in for the cable and utility bills).
Just curious...would oppossums, in your opinion, be offended by your political views?
Mark G. Charlottesville, VA
Great question, Mark! Although I have not encountered many (if any) opossums on the campaign
trail (or anywhere else, really), I believe that opossums would totally support my views and my
candidacy. According to Wikipedia, opossums " unspecialized biology, flexible diet and
reproductive strategy make them successful colonizers and survivors in unsettled times." I don't
know how specialized my biology is, but I certainly have a flexible diet. Yesterday I ate Mexican food
for lunch and had a salad for dinner, the day before that I had a McRib at McDonald's for lunch and
kung pao chicken for dinner. I also have a clear reproductive strategy: The more Brad Willards out
there, the better. Although my colonizing skills are a bit under-used (that could change if I have the
mighty U.S. military at my disposal), I am certainly surviving (and some might say thriving) in these
unsettled times. Also, opossums are originally native to the Eastern United States, just like me. A
Willard presidency will be an opossum-friendly presidency. Although I can't promise the same for
plain old possums. Stupid possums!
I was wondering about your position on global warming. Being from Pittsburgh, I am all in favor
of any actions we as humans can make to increase the temp. Pittsburgh winters can be pretty
FREAKING COLD! I personally sometimes go out and run my cars engine, or cut down and burn
some trees in an effort to speed up the whole process. What is your stance on this?
Craig B, Pittsburgh, Pa
Great question, Craig! I have of course already addressed the subject of the environment in my
blog, and this subject has also come up in a question from Bob S in Battery Park, NY (see below).
The sad truth is that your behavior (and many others like you) is contributing to global warming. I
am proposing a comprehensive "global cooling" plan to counteract the man-made impact on
I'm not a scientist, but I think it's pretty clear that most of the human-driven activity that is
contributing to global warming is happening in Europe, Asia and yes even Pittsburgh. All these
locations are in the Northern Hemisphere. My plan is to balance this northern hemisphere
warming with a counter-acting cooling in the Southern Hemisphere. As President, I will lead efforts
in the Southern Hemisphere (South America, Australia, New Zealand and a few islands here or
there) to do the opposite of what we're doing up here that's causing global warming. Hopefully this
will cause global cooling, and the net result will be global climate stability. Instead of cutting down
trees, I will encourage, coerce or threaten Southern Hemispherians to plant trees. Instead of
running their primitive refrigerators and using hair spray (which emit CFCs), I will force them to
turn on their ovens (which I assume are the opposite of refrigerators, so they should suck up
CFCs) and store their food there, and to have unkempt and unruly hair. We Northern
Hemispherians like to drive our cars, trucks and motorboats to wherever we're going, and we do
this mostly by going forward (and spitting out carbon monoxide). My policy will require our brethren
south of the Equator to have to learn to drive their cars, trucks and motorboats backwards (to suck
in carbon monoxide) so as to balance out our carbon emissions and thereby create a "net zero"
carbon monoxide footprint.
The beauty of my plan is, that, even though it requires some suffering, that suffering will fall
squarely on people other than Americans. I'm sure you'll hear Obama and McCain adopting my
maverick position on global warming sooner rather than later, so remember that you heard it hear
Will you be campaigning in any pivotal states in the coming weeks? Also, I am frankly
surprised that SNL has not parodied you yet. I hope to see that this weekend.
Niles P, Penobscot, ME
Great question, Niles! While I would love to get out and try to personally persuade voters around
this wonderful country to vote for me, things like a lack of travel money, having a job and a full slate
of fall TV programming to watch will keep me from visiting the campaign frontlines in Missouri,
Pennsylvania, Florida and Virginia. However, I will be campaigning vigorously at pubs, bars and
other drinking establishments in and around my house. If you have a question or suggestion for
me, please try to get it to me before I get past my 6th or 7th beer (I tend to get a bit obstinate and
confrontational after that).
As far as the Saturday Night Live parody thing goes, I doubt you'll see anything Willard 2008
related there soon. Like the other cogs in the mainstream media, SNL falls back on the "Who?
Willard 2008? What the Hell is that?" excuse that CBS, Fox News and my parents all seem to use.
Besides, the other principals in this election seem to be doing a fine job of parodying themselves
as part of their regular campaign operations.
Brad, While I know you are an old friend of my husband's, and while I appreciate your view on
clowns, how can I be a supporter of you when you don't support vegetarians? I just don't get it.
Lori S, Madison, CT
Great question, Lori! It's not that I don't support vegetarians, I just support meat-eaters rights
more...some of my best friends, wives, and in-laws are vegetarians, and I get along famously with
all of them even if I think they're all a bit crazy. Personally, I believe that if God didn't want us to eat
animals, he wouldn't have taught us how to kill other people (and by extension, other animals that
we could eat). That being said, I'm not in favor of eating people. Also, if God really wanted us to eat
only vegetables, I think he would have made vegetables taste like chocolate ice cream (or maybe
I also believe that vegetarians will have the last laugh, as they will live longer and be able to "tsk
tsk" those of us who ate meat and shortened our life spans. The Willard Presidency is all about
letting people do what they want to do (within very broad definitions of "reason"), even if it means
shortening their time here on this earth. If people want to subsist on a diet of bacon and Doritos,
and they're not forcing you to do the same, they're welcome in the Willard administration.