March 27, 2008
Although some might consider it unwise to assist your competitors, I'm so
confident that my campaign will be successful that I'm willing to give a few
pointers to the Democrats.
It's clear that both Obama and Hillary are fully spent on ideas. They're no
longer discussing political issues, but are instead tearing into each other on
personal issues. What they need to do is stop spewing venom at each other, and
start focusing on their real "enemy". By that I mean me, of course. Not to be too
dismissive, but McCain and Nader are really just ballot fillers; I'm the Ideas
Guy, so come November it's going to be Willard vs. Hillbama. Barack and
Hillary, heed my words. You need to focus on your strengths, and build a
ticket that plays to these strengths. Otherwise I might as well start measuring
the Oval Office for curtains.
Barack, you're an inspirational speaker. Who knows if you can govern
anything, but does that really matter? As long as you keep giving good
speeches, you're likely to give me a run for my money. But first you need to
actually get people to vote for you. Hillary is not Jason Vorhees or Freddy
Krueger. Finish her off. If you can't close the deal against someone like her,
how do you expect to go toe-to-toe with a heavyweight like myself?
Hillary, first you need to face two simple truths; First, it's over. You're done.
Game over. Now if you're willing to accept that and move on, then you can
play a vital role in the Democratic effort to wrest control of the White House
away from me. You've listed your numerous foreign accomplishments as First
Lady, from bringing peace to Northern Ireland, inventing the Internet and
using your body to shield young Bosnian girls from sniper fire while landing
an airplane. Which leads me to my second truth for you. You are most effective
as First Lady. Stop beating on Obama's credibility, stop trying to be the
presidential nominee, and don't even think about being Vice President. You
should start filing your divorce papers from Bill post-haste, and get ready to
marry Barack (but don't use his preacher..apparently that guy's got some major
issues).
Democrats, even if you do take my advice, I still expect to handily crush your
candidate(s) come November. At some point I may offer some advice for
Republicans and whatever party Nader is running under (the "Lunatic Fringe"
party? the "Creepy Looking Past Their Prime Guys" party?) to help them at
least post a respectable showing against me, but that might be too high a hill
for all of us to climb.
Although some might consider it unwise to assist your competitors, I'm so
confident that my campaign will be successful that I'm willing to give a few
pointers to the Democrats.
It's clear that both Obama and Hillary are fully spent on ideas. They're no
longer discussing political issues, but are instead tearing into each other on
personal issues. What they need to do is stop spewing venom at each other, and
start focusing on their real "enemy". By that I mean me, of course. Not to be too
dismissive, but McCain and Nader are really just ballot fillers; I'm the Ideas
Guy, so come November it's going to be Willard vs. Hillbama. Barack and
Hillary, heed my words. You need to focus on your strengths, and build a
ticket that plays to these strengths. Otherwise I might as well start measuring
the Oval Office for curtains.
Barack, you're an inspirational speaker. Who knows if you can govern
anything, but does that really matter? As long as you keep giving good
speeches, you're likely to give me a run for my money. But first you need to
actually get people to vote for you. Hillary is not Jason Vorhees or Freddy
Krueger. Finish her off. If you can't close the deal against someone like her,
how do you expect to go toe-to-toe with a heavyweight like myself?
Hillary, first you need to face two simple truths; First, it's over. You're done.
Game over. Now if you're willing to accept that and move on, then you can
play a vital role in the Democratic effort to wrest control of the White House
away from me. You've listed your numerous foreign accomplishments as First
Lady, from bringing peace to Northern Ireland, inventing the Internet and
using your body to shield young Bosnian girls from sniper fire while landing
an airplane. Which leads me to my second truth for you. You are most effective
as First Lady. Stop beating on Obama's credibility, stop trying to be the
presidential nominee, and don't even think about being Vice President. You
should start filing your divorce papers from Bill post-haste, and get ready to
marry Barack (but don't use his preacher..apparently that guy's got some major
issues).
Democrats, even if you do take my advice, I still expect to handily crush your
candidate(s) come November. At some point I may offer some advice for
Republicans and whatever party Nader is running under (the "Lunatic Fringe"
party? the "Creepy Looking Past Their Prime Guys" party?) to help them at
least post a respectable showing against me, but that might be too high a hill
for all of us to climb.
| Democratic Dilemma - March 27, 2008 |
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