April 2, 2008
Much as I hate the phrase "Everything changed on 9/11", in the realm of airport
security this is more or less a true statement. The attacks of September 11th
transformed the issue of airport security away from fringe groups looking to
make political statements, to the challenge of stopping extremist groups
looking to use our national air travel network against us as a deadly weapon.
So in that sense, I have absolutely no sympathy for the woman from Los
Angeles who was recently forced to remove her body piercings in order to
board her flight. Be an "individual" and express your "uniqueness" all you
want, but if you want to get on a plane be ready to suffer inconvenience and
possible embarrassment for the greater good. If I have to take off my shoes and
remove my laptop from my carry-on luggage every time I go through security,
I don't want to hear you whine about having to remove your nipple ring or
belly button piercing. Should we bend the rules for people who choose to
"express their creativity" by ingesting large quantities of radioactive isotopes?
Or should we "respect the personal liberties" of people who try to board
airplanes wearing suits made out of C-4 explosive? If I choose to have a 16 foot
steel pole surgically attached to my back, should I sue McDonalds because I
can't fit through their doorways? The answers to these rhetorical questions is of
course no. So to that crazy lady from Los Angeles I say, "Welcome to America,
and welcome to dealing with the slightest degree of inconvenience in your
life".
Which brings me to my second point. All these shoe-wearing, laptop-toting,
body-pierced travelers don't make it easy on airport security screening
personnel, but everyone has a job to do. And in my opinion our airport
screening policies and measures are entirely too reactive, and not proactive.
Some loser tries to blow up a plane with his shoe, and suddenly we all have to
take off our shoes. Some morons hijack planes and fly them into buildings and
suddenly nobody can bring toenail clippers on a plane anymore. Someone
makes a threat about using toothpaste tubes to smuggle explosives on board
and everyone has to start measuring their shampoo and hand cremes. I'm
worried that some clever terrorist will design a bomb that looks like a suitcase,
or create a bomb made out of clothes. The government would respond by
making it illegal to bring a suitcase or wear clothes on any flights you board.
And what if an extremely resourceful terrorist decides to build a bomb that
looks like a plane? We'll all be stuck taking Amtrak or Greyhound to get
anywhere.
If I'm elected President, I promise to devote as much money as is needed to
develop super duper X-ray technologies, and super duper bomb-sniffing
technologies, so that the airport security screening process will return to being
a minor inconvenience, not the major hassle it is today. And people will no
longer have to take off their shoes, their belts, pull their computers out or
remove their baseball caps to get on a plane. But I think I'll leave the
extra-screening in for people with body piercings. Just because I can...
Much as I hate the phrase "Everything changed on 9/11", in the realm of airport
security this is more or less a true statement. The attacks of September 11th
transformed the issue of airport security away from fringe groups looking to
make political statements, to the challenge of stopping extremist groups
looking to use our national air travel network against us as a deadly weapon.
So in that sense, I have absolutely no sympathy for the woman from Los
Angeles who was recently forced to remove her body piercings in order to
board her flight. Be an "individual" and express your "uniqueness" all you
want, but if you want to get on a plane be ready to suffer inconvenience and
possible embarrassment for the greater good. If I have to take off my shoes and
remove my laptop from my carry-on luggage every time I go through security,
I don't want to hear you whine about having to remove your nipple ring or
belly button piercing. Should we bend the rules for people who choose to
"express their creativity" by ingesting large quantities of radioactive isotopes?
Or should we "respect the personal liberties" of people who try to board
airplanes wearing suits made out of C-4 explosive? If I choose to have a 16 foot
steel pole surgically attached to my back, should I sue McDonalds because I
can't fit through their doorways? The answers to these rhetorical questions is of
course no. So to that crazy lady from Los Angeles I say, "Welcome to America,
and welcome to dealing with the slightest degree of inconvenience in your
life".
Which brings me to my second point. All these shoe-wearing, laptop-toting,
body-pierced travelers don't make it easy on airport security screening
personnel, but everyone has a job to do. And in my opinion our airport
screening policies and measures are entirely too reactive, and not proactive.
Some loser tries to blow up a plane with his shoe, and suddenly we all have to
take off our shoes. Some morons hijack planes and fly them into buildings and
suddenly nobody can bring toenail clippers on a plane anymore. Someone
makes a threat about using toothpaste tubes to smuggle explosives on board
and everyone has to start measuring their shampoo and hand cremes. I'm
worried that some clever terrorist will design a bomb that looks like a suitcase,
or create a bomb made out of clothes. The government would respond by
making it illegal to bring a suitcase or wear clothes on any flights you board.
And what if an extremely resourceful terrorist decides to build a bomb that
looks like a plane? We'll all be stuck taking Amtrak or Greyhound to get
anywhere.
If I'm elected President, I promise to devote as much money as is needed to
develop super duper X-ray technologies, and super duper bomb-sniffing
technologies, so that the airport security screening process will return to being
a minor inconvenience, not the major hassle it is today. And people will no
longer have to take off their shoes, their belts, pull their computers out or
remove their baseball caps to get on a plane. But I think I'll leave the
extra-screening in for people with body piercings. Just because I can...
| Airport Security - April 2, 2008 |
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