September 16, 2008
I am finally prepared to announce my choice as my running mate in the
upcoming election...I know there has been a lot of speculation in parlors,
sitting rooms, pubs, barber shops, and assorted other gathering points and
communal discussion chambers. This is big, folks, this is something that will
have the blog-o-sphere buzzing for minutes if not days.
I have decided that I have absolutely no need for a Vice-President!
Call the Associated Press, call MSNBC and Fox News and the New York Times
and InStyle magazine. If you look at the choices my competitors have made,
it's clear that they agree with my position. Joe Biden is a gassy windbag who
has failed 17 or 18 times in his own bids to become President. Sarah Palin is
prettier than Dan Quayle, but brings less experience and less intelligence to
the table. The bottom line is, if you can have Joe Biden or Sarah Palin as your
Vice-President, than you could just as easily have anybody or nobody. Plus, a
look back at history shows that most Vice-Presidents suck pretty hard
anyways, and they rarely impact anything important in government (except
for Millard Fillmore, and he was so ashamed to be Vice-President that he ran
using an alias...a very funny alias, but an alias nonetheless).
By deciding to pick running mates, Barack Obama and John McCain have
basically admitted that I, Brad Willard, am a better man and a better candidate
for the presidency. They are acknowledging their shortcomings (in Obama's
case, his total lack of foreign policy experience...in McCain's case, his total lack
of youth and life expectancy). They both looked in their rear view campaign
mirrors, and what they saw was twenty tons of trouble in a ten ton truck (i.e.
Brad Willard) coming at them. And they blinked.
There may be some legal issues involved (the "Constitution" may require you
to have a Vice-President...I'm having some legal folks look into that) If there
are, you may rest assured that I will take my case to the highest court in the
land (The Supreme Court, for those keeping score at home..If they refuse to
hear my case, I may even consider taking my case to the People's Court, or
possibly even Judge Judy..but I hope it doesn't come to that). And if I lose, you
can also rest assured that I have some strong back-up VP candidates to
strengthen my ticket. First, I might go with George Clooney. I think he can
win the female and old people vote that Palin or Obama are now getting, and I
can't imagine any females or old people voting directly for John McCain (in
my experience, old people don't really care much for other old people). I realize
that Clooney may be reluctant to appear on a ticket with me. In that case, I
plan on instituting a national lottery for people to be Vice-President for a
week. Everyone can play, just plunk down your $1 and if you win you get
backstage access to the Willard White House like nobody else. This will give
the Average American a chance to see how government functions, and it's
essentially the same strategy John McCain has chosen by picking Sarah Palin
(except that he's afraid to rotate VPs).
So call you parents, call your kids, call your friends and your loved ones. Call
your plumber or your yard guy or your local pizza delivery joint, and let them
in on the news (though you might want to make sure they're sitting down
before you share the big news with them). Willard/Willard 2008! Coolness you
can believe in!
I am finally prepared to announce my choice as my running mate in the
upcoming election...I know there has been a lot of speculation in parlors,
sitting rooms, pubs, barber shops, and assorted other gathering points and
communal discussion chambers. This is big, folks, this is something that will
have the blog-o-sphere buzzing for minutes if not days.
I have decided that I have absolutely no need for a Vice-President!
Call the Associated Press, call MSNBC and Fox News and the New York Times
and InStyle magazine. If you look at the choices my competitors have made,
it's clear that they agree with my position. Joe Biden is a gassy windbag who
has failed 17 or 18 times in his own bids to become President. Sarah Palin is
prettier than Dan Quayle, but brings less experience and less intelligence to
the table. The bottom line is, if you can have Joe Biden or Sarah Palin as your
Vice-President, than you could just as easily have anybody or nobody. Plus, a
look back at history shows that most Vice-Presidents suck pretty hard
anyways, and they rarely impact anything important in government (except
for Millard Fillmore, and he was so ashamed to be Vice-President that he ran
using an alias...a very funny alias, but an alias nonetheless).
By deciding to pick running mates, Barack Obama and John McCain have
basically admitted that I, Brad Willard, am a better man and a better candidate
for the presidency. They are acknowledging their shortcomings (in Obama's
case, his total lack of foreign policy experience...in McCain's case, his total lack
of youth and life expectancy). They both looked in their rear view campaign
mirrors, and what they saw was twenty tons of trouble in a ten ton truck (i.e.
Brad Willard) coming at them. And they blinked.
There may be some legal issues involved (the "Constitution" may require you
to have a Vice-President...I'm having some legal folks look into that) If there
are, you may rest assured that I will take my case to the highest court in the
land (The Supreme Court, for those keeping score at home..If they refuse to
hear my case, I may even consider taking my case to the People's Court, or
possibly even Judge Judy..but I hope it doesn't come to that). And if I lose, you
can also rest assured that I have some strong back-up VP candidates to
strengthen my ticket. First, I might go with George Clooney. I think he can
win the female and old people vote that Palin or Obama are now getting, and I
can't imagine any females or old people voting directly for John McCain (in
my experience, old people don't really care much for other old people). I realize
that Clooney may be reluctant to appear on a ticket with me. In that case, I
plan on instituting a national lottery for people to be Vice-President for a
week. Everyone can play, just plunk down your $1 and if you win you get
backstage access to the Willard White House like nobody else. This will give
the Average American a chance to see how government functions, and it's
essentially the same strategy John McCain has chosen by picking Sarah Palin
(except that he's afraid to rotate VPs).
So call you parents, call your kids, call your friends and your loved ones. Call
your plumber or your yard guy or your local pizza delivery joint, and let them
in on the news (though you might want to make sure they're sitting down
before you share the big news with them). Willard/Willard 2008! Coolness you
can believe in!
| My Vice-President - September 16, 2008 |
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