For the most part, I tend to shy away from ancillary cultural issues in
my political platform. This is not because I lack a strong core of
beliefs and convictions, but rather because my philosophical and
political ideologies tend towards the “live and let live” or “don’t tread
on me” end of the spectrum. If you’re doing something you believe in
or enjoy, and you’re not infringing on the rights or enjoyment of
others, then I generally believe you should do what you want to do.
However, there are some “cultural” issues that so viscerally affront all
that I believe to be good and right, that I feel obligated to draw a line
between “fun” and “decency”. The Banjo is one of those issues.
I am most certainly not a musician. Though I have had some early
educational experiences with the recorder and the saxophone, my tin
ear has kept my recent musical experiences limited to listening to
rather than creating musical tones and compositions. That being said,
I feel that the fact that I really listen to a lot of different music and
musical styles makes me uniquely qualified to represent the
American people and their interests in the realm of the harmonious.
And it is with these thoughts in mind that I promise to do my best as
President to make possession and/or use of the banjo illegal.
Nobody likes the banjo. There are any number of stringed
instruments that throughout history have amused and entertained
the masses. In the middle ages, violins, violas and cellos were all the
rage. Even today, they continue to entertain old people who like
Mozart and Beethoven. The ukulele is obviously some kind of wacky
Hawaiian joke on the rest of the world, but it somehow works when
you’re sipping mai tais in Maui and it certainly has made Don Ho a
rich man. Harps, although a bit suspect as far as stringed instruments
go, can be nice if you’re out with your significant other dropping
some serious coin on a romantic evening. And ever since Jimi Hendrix
and Kurt Cobain invented the guitar at Woodstock in the early 1900s,
this has clearly been the instrument of the youth, be it the Beatles,
the U2 or the Coldplay.
But the banjo is truly an anachronism amongst the strings. It has won
a moderate degree of acceptance amongst the hillbilly tribes of West
Virginia, Tennessee and Kentucky, but this has been due primarily to
the influence of hallucinogenic substances like moonshine and crystal
meth. I’m convinced that these primitive peoples do not really enjoy
the banjo, but they tolerate it and they embrace the fact that a banjo
generally can not be used to kill another human (just imagine if
hillbillies liked tuba music; their nightly bar brawls would result in
literally ten to eighteen deaths a night instead of the usual three to
four weekend banjo beat-down deaths). Even country music and
gospel music (and this is not intended in any way, shape or form to
be an endorsement of either musical style) have had common sense
enough to use the rock and roll-oriented guitar as their primary
instrument.
My point is as follows. The American people suffer enough every day.
They wake up in the morning with hangovers and go to crappy jobs
with crappy bosses. They spend tens of hours every week commuting
to these crappy jobs and having to listen to crappy radio stations. On
the weekends, when they just want to kick back and relax, they go to
bars or clubs where (generally speaking) they listen to crappy bands
and musicians. I want to protect our citizens from further abuse of
their aural senses. I want to reduce our exposure to daily crappiness
in any way that I can. I want to save Americans from the unnecessary
screech of the banjo.
Oh yeah, bagpipes are really annoying as well. I’d make them illegal
too. And probably the accordion.
my political platform. This is not because I lack a strong core of
beliefs and convictions, but rather because my philosophical and
political ideologies tend towards the “live and let live” or “don’t tread
on me” end of the spectrum. If you’re doing something you believe in
or enjoy, and you’re not infringing on the rights or enjoyment of
others, then I generally believe you should do what you want to do.
However, there are some “cultural” issues that so viscerally affront all
that I believe to be good and right, that I feel obligated to draw a line
between “fun” and “decency”. The Banjo is one of those issues.
I am most certainly not a musician. Though I have had some early
educational experiences with the recorder and the saxophone, my tin
ear has kept my recent musical experiences limited to listening to
rather than creating musical tones and compositions. That being said,
I feel that the fact that I really listen to a lot of different music and
musical styles makes me uniquely qualified to represent the
American people and their interests in the realm of the harmonious.
And it is with these thoughts in mind that I promise to do my best as
President to make possession and/or use of the banjo illegal.
Nobody likes the banjo. There are any number of stringed
instruments that throughout history have amused and entertained
the masses. In the middle ages, violins, violas and cellos were all the
rage. Even today, they continue to entertain old people who like
Mozart and Beethoven. The ukulele is obviously some kind of wacky
Hawaiian joke on the rest of the world, but it somehow works when
you’re sipping mai tais in Maui and it certainly has made Don Ho a
rich man. Harps, although a bit suspect as far as stringed instruments
go, can be nice if you’re out with your significant other dropping
some serious coin on a romantic evening. And ever since Jimi Hendrix
and Kurt Cobain invented the guitar at Woodstock in the early 1900s,
this has clearly been the instrument of the youth, be it the Beatles,
the U2 or the Coldplay.
But the banjo is truly an anachronism amongst the strings. It has won
a moderate degree of acceptance amongst the hillbilly tribes of West
Virginia, Tennessee and Kentucky, but this has been due primarily to
the influence of hallucinogenic substances like moonshine and crystal
meth. I’m convinced that these primitive peoples do not really enjoy
the banjo, but they tolerate it and they embrace the fact that a banjo
generally can not be used to kill another human (just imagine if
hillbillies liked tuba music; their nightly bar brawls would result in
literally ten to eighteen deaths a night instead of the usual three to
four weekend banjo beat-down deaths). Even country music and
gospel music (and this is not intended in any way, shape or form to
be an endorsement of either musical style) have had common sense
enough to use the rock and roll-oriented guitar as their primary
instrument.
My point is as follows. The American people suffer enough every day.
They wake up in the morning with hangovers and go to crappy jobs
with crappy bosses. They spend tens of hours every week commuting
to these crappy jobs and having to listen to crappy radio stations. On
the weekends, when they just want to kick back and relax, they go to
bars or clubs where (generally speaking) they listen to crappy bands
and musicians. I want to protect our citizens from further abuse of
their aural senses. I want to reduce our exposure to daily crappiness
in any way that I can. I want to save Americans from the unnecessary
screech of the banjo.
Oh yeah, bagpipes are really annoying as well. I’d make them illegal
too. And probably the accordion.
| The Banjo |
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