One of the biggest (and least discussed) problems with our legislative
system is the corrosive effect of lobbyists and special interest monies.
Our national agenda is being shaped (or, perhaps more accurately
stated, hijacked) by a well-funded body of non-elected, non-
representative agents. These agents promote causes and issues not
based on their merits, bur rather on the narrowly defined self-interests
of the individuals or groups who can afford their exorbitant influence
peddling fees.
As a citizen of this great nation, I am offended and outraged by the
conduct of our legislators. Democrats and Republicans alike have
sullied their reputations and the integrity of our hallowed bicameral
legislature in their eagerness to stay in office and feed their inflated
egos (as well as their own pockets). As President, I will use the office as
a bully pulpit to put pressure on those who corrupt the system.
I realize that many of you are likely laughing at what you consider to
be a quixotic quest. I can hear the chuckling and cackling already.
People will question my sanity with sentiments like “What is this crazy
Willard guy thinking, he can’t just change the system; that’s just the
way business is done in the beltway.” Or, “This is just another one of
Willard’s hare-brained schemes, like his ‘burrito smoothies’ franchise
idea.” I am appalled at the apathy and resignation that pervades most
Americans’ views about Congress. I hope that by citing and elaborating
on the following example of Congress overstepping its bounds and
serving Mammon rather than America, I will be able to fire up national
passions and spark a consensus effort to return the power to the
people.
The law of gravity is something that confronts us everyday. It has
become so pervasive that it is not only enforced in the United States,
but also in every country on our planet (although mostly via the Metric
system in Europe and large sections of Asia and Africa). We even had
the audacity to pass similar (albeit less stringent) legislation on the
moon! What gives us the right to meddle in the affairs of nature? Has
anyone ever thought to question the root of this abomination, or
investigate the consequences of it? I have.
Who stands to benefit from gravity laws, you ask? Just think about
who pulls the Republican and Democratic strings, and who benefits
from the enforcement of gravity; Big Oil, and the Military Industrial
Complex. The same Big Oil and Military Industrial Complex that funds
the campaigns of Democrats and Republicans, the same Big Oil and
Military Industrial Complex that funds the campaigns of your senators
and representatives, the same Big Oil and Military Industrial Complex
that funds lobbyists who write the legislation that Congress and the
president blindly enact into law. Vote for me, Brad Willard, and I will
roll back corrupt legislation like the Law of Gravity and benefit the
average Joes in America, instead of the rich fat cats and lawyers.
Think of the economy. As tensions in the Middle East, Africa and
Venezuela escalate, and the price of gas goes up and up, we are all
reminded of the burden this expense places on the Average American’s
monthly budget. It is even possible that we might someday soon see a
return to the long lines at the pump and the gas rationing of the late
1970s. But if we repeal, or even lessen the heretofore strict
interpretation of this statute, we can add fuel (no pun intended) to a
global, broad-based economic boom. Instead of 35 miles per gallon,
consumers can expect 70, 90, even 100 miles per gallon. And you won’t
need to drive around in a sissified hybrid to get mileage like this.
Workers will literally feel as if a weight has been lifted from their
shoulders, increasing productivity across all industries and sectors.
Transportation costs will become insignificant as the cost of shipping
goods will be drastically reduced. Other candidates address the
symptom of the problem, what economists call fiscal policy. I, on the
other hand, choose the attack the root of the problem, bad legislation.
We don’t need to concern ourselves as a society with the mind-
numbing details and intricacies of reducing capital gains taxes or
instituting a flat tax. Do away with the law of gravity, and watch the
economy flourish.
Think about sports. There is no doubt about it, Americans love sports.
We loved watching Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa smash mammoth
600-foot home runs in the summer of 1998. We love to watch LeBron
James fly through the air on his way to slamming down a monster
dunk. We were stunned by Bob Beamon’s long jump in Mexico City,
and even more stunned when Mike Powell was able to propel himself
even further in Tokyo. But I can assure you, if this baseless law of
gravity is repealed, we will see athletic performances beyond what was
previously deemed to be humanly possible. Thirty handicap golfers
will drive the ball over 1,000 yards. Baskets will be raised to twenty-
five feet to maintain a semblance of a challenge to the game of
basketball. Even obese people will see marked improvements in their
100-yard dash times and in their sumo wrestling performances (I’m not
sure how repealing the law of gravity will affect ugly people, but I
intend to commission a study on this matter, or maybe even use my
exploratory committee to examine it). Unfortunately for bowlers, I don’
t think that the elimination of the law of gravity will have much of an
effect on bowling scores.
Much of the legislation miring our nation’s activities in a quagmire of
bureaucracy can be traced to lobbyists representing narrow interest
groups. This preposterous law of gravity is but one of many. Upon
taking office I intend to set up a special committee tasked with
reviewing the roots of our national laws, and their overall contribution
to American society. Some additional pieces of legislation that intend
to scrutinize include the Law of Averages, Murphy’s Law and the Law
of the Jungle. Time permitting in my second term as president, I may
also commission a task force to review theories and hypotheses as well.
system is the corrosive effect of lobbyists and special interest monies.
Our national agenda is being shaped (or, perhaps more accurately
stated, hijacked) by a well-funded body of non-elected, non-
representative agents. These agents promote causes and issues not
based on their merits, bur rather on the narrowly defined self-interests
of the individuals or groups who can afford their exorbitant influence
peddling fees.
As a citizen of this great nation, I am offended and outraged by the
conduct of our legislators. Democrats and Republicans alike have
sullied their reputations and the integrity of our hallowed bicameral
legislature in their eagerness to stay in office and feed their inflated
egos (as well as their own pockets). As President, I will use the office as
a bully pulpit to put pressure on those who corrupt the system.
I realize that many of you are likely laughing at what you consider to
be a quixotic quest. I can hear the chuckling and cackling already.
People will question my sanity with sentiments like “What is this crazy
Willard guy thinking, he can’t just change the system; that’s just the
way business is done in the beltway.” Or, “This is just another one of
Willard’s hare-brained schemes, like his ‘burrito smoothies’ franchise
idea.” I am appalled at the apathy and resignation that pervades most
Americans’ views about Congress. I hope that by citing and elaborating
on the following example of Congress overstepping its bounds and
serving Mammon rather than America, I will be able to fire up national
passions and spark a consensus effort to return the power to the
people.
The law of gravity is something that confronts us everyday. It has
become so pervasive that it is not only enforced in the United States,
but also in every country on our planet (although mostly via the Metric
system in Europe and large sections of Asia and Africa). We even had
the audacity to pass similar (albeit less stringent) legislation on the
moon! What gives us the right to meddle in the affairs of nature? Has
anyone ever thought to question the root of this abomination, or
investigate the consequences of it? I have.
Who stands to benefit from gravity laws, you ask? Just think about
who pulls the Republican and Democratic strings, and who benefits
from the enforcement of gravity; Big Oil, and the Military Industrial
Complex. The same Big Oil and Military Industrial Complex that funds
the campaigns of Democrats and Republicans, the same Big Oil and
Military Industrial Complex that funds the campaigns of your senators
and representatives, the same Big Oil and Military Industrial Complex
that funds lobbyists who write the legislation that Congress and the
president blindly enact into law. Vote for me, Brad Willard, and I will
roll back corrupt legislation like the Law of Gravity and benefit the
average Joes in America, instead of the rich fat cats and lawyers.
Think of the economy. As tensions in the Middle East, Africa and
Venezuela escalate, and the price of gas goes up and up, we are all
reminded of the burden this expense places on the Average American’s
monthly budget. It is even possible that we might someday soon see a
return to the long lines at the pump and the gas rationing of the late
1970s. But if we repeal, or even lessen the heretofore strict
interpretation of this statute, we can add fuel (no pun intended) to a
global, broad-based economic boom. Instead of 35 miles per gallon,
consumers can expect 70, 90, even 100 miles per gallon. And you won’t
need to drive around in a sissified hybrid to get mileage like this.
Workers will literally feel as if a weight has been lifted from their
shoulders, increasing productivity across all industries and sectors.
Transportation costs will become insignificant as the cost of shipping
goods will be drastically reduced. Other candidates address the
symptom of the problem, what economists call fiscal policy. I, on the
other hand, choose the attack the root of the problem, bad legislation.
We don’t need to concern ourselves as a society with the mind-
numbing details and intricacies of reducing capital gains taxes or
instituting a flat tax. Do away with the law of gravity, and watch the
economy flourish.
Think about sports. There is no doubt about it, Americans love sports.
We loved watching Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa smash mammoth
600-foot home runs in the summer of 1998. We love to watch LeBron
James fly through the air on his way to slamming down a monster
dunk. We were stunned by Bob Beamon’s long jump in Mexico City,
and even more stunned when Mike Powell was able to propel himself
even further in Tokyo. But I can assure you, if this baseless law of
gravity is repealed, we will see athletic performances beyond what was
previously deemed to be humanly possible. Thirty handicap golfers
will drive the ball over 1,000 yards. Baskets will be raised to twenty-
five feet to maintain a semblance of a challenge to the game of
basketball. Even obese people will see marked improvements in their
100-yard dash times and in their sumo wrestling performances (I’m not
sure how repealing the law of gravity will affect ugly people, but I
intend to commission a study on this matter, or maybe even use my
exploratory committee to examine it). Unfortunately for bowlers, I don’
t think that the elimination of the law of gravity will have much of an
effect on bowling scores.
Much of the legislation miring our nation’s activities in a quagmire of
bureaucracy can be traced to lobbyists representing narrow interest
groups. This preposterous law of gravity is but one of many. Upon
taking office I intend to set up a special committee tasked with
reviewing the roots of our national laws, and their overall contribution
to American society. Some additional pieces of legislation that intend
to scrutinize include the Law of Averages, Murphy’s Law and the Law
of the Jungle. Time permitting in my second term as president, I may
also commission a task force to review theories and hypotheses as well.
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