Updated October 27, 2008

Very few subjects have captured the hearts, minds and insanity of Americans
like my position on clowns. I should point out that none of my opponents (not
just McCain and Obama, but also the fringe whack-jobs like Bob Barr, Lyndon
LaRouche and anyone else stupid enough to run against me. Below is the on-
going clown discussion. I'm sure you'll agree I am right on this issue, as I am
on every other issue....

Mr. Willard:  I've been searching your website and I have yet to find anything that conveys
your position on clowns.  I'm not only talking about the evil ones, but the deceptive clowns
that we all know are evil but hide behind their painted on smiles.  I'm sick of these clowns
chasing me down the street every night, trespassing, and breaking into my home with
immunity from the law.  By the time the police arrive, they are always gone. New laws must
be enacted.  Please tell me what you would do if elected.
- a very concerned citizen, Florida

Good question, concerned citizen! Let me begin by noting that the clown issue is an issue that
my supporters bring up time and time again, and I don’t hear any of the other candidate’s
supporters asking these same probing questions. I attribute this to the level of education,
sophistication and primarily medication that my supporters have, and that my opponent’s
supporters don’t.

That being said, I take clown crime (and even clown shenanigans) very seriously. Not only do
clowns scare little children every day (and I’ll take this opportunity to point out that the children
are our future), but many of them choose to paint frowns on their faces. This not only scares
little kids, it also scares older Americans as well as several regular Americans. As President, I
will pressure Congress to enact the toughest clown laws that the Constitution allows. As part of
this legislation, I will not only insist that clowns register with local law enforcement when they
come to your town, but will also require the same of all circus participants (including lion
tamers, trapeze artists and guys who get shot out of cannons). And I will escalate these
requirements even further so that they cover carney workers, like bat boy, the bearded lady and
the guy who guesses your height/weight/age. Finally, I will push through legislation to make it
illegal for anyone to make balloon animals that don’t actually look like an actual animal.

As President, I know that my positions vis a vis clowns are largely symbolic. However, I promise
to make it clear to all circus and carnival workers that they are welcome members of American
society, as long as they agree to abide by our existing (and my new proposed) legislation.

Mr. Willard -

I sent the below letter to you back in June because, even though I find your clown-bashing
abhorent, I thought you were a different breed of politician.  Your lack of response tells me
you are just another slick-talking, divisive coward who, upon realizing they couldn't cut it in
the real world, decided to run for office.  You wouldn't last a day under the big top.  I am not
me-ing around here.  You have offended so many good and decent folk.  

Just try and book a clown for your next birthday party - see if we respond to you!

Dear Sir -

I was just shown your position on clowns by one of my co-workers.  Her name is Dipsy and
no one - and I mean no one - makes a balloon snake quite like Dipsy.  But that's not
important right now.

I, Sir, am a clown.  And I am deeply offended by your rabid anti-clown stance.  We are a hard
working, vibrant, makeup and wig wearing community.  Not like those other makeup and
wig wearing groups ... you know, like News Achors.  They are the real criminals.

I implore you to re-think your stance.  We have much to offer.  When times get hard, what do
you do?  Send in the Marines?  NO! You send in the clowns!  We're out there everyday,
busting it to make this country a better place.  The rest of society just hasn't kept us with
us.  Look at Global Warming.  Sure, now it's cool to carpool.  Me?  I've been driving to work
in a sub-compact car with 27 other clowns for decades.  

So many of your other positions appeal to me - and to the rest of the clown community as
well.  If you will just take the time to get to know us, I'm sure you'll see that we clowns are -
at the end of the day - the only thing that sets America apart from the rest of the world is
clowns.  Certainly not those filthy Mimes that the French love.


Bananas The Clown.

Dear Bananas,

While I appreciate your efforts at flattery (do you really think I'm "smooth talking"?), I must
reiterate that my campaign takes the position that clowns are harmless at best and murderous
at worst. For that reason, I stand by the position clearly enunciated on my web site (http://www.

I have not seen your act live, but I think if you've spent much time around clowns you'll agree that
most are not funny. And that's what clowns are supposed to be. Making balloon animals is not
funny. Scaring little kids (and sometimes adults too) is not funny. I believe that the reason most
clowns become clowns is because they are not funny. Jerry Seinfeld did not become a clown,
nor did Dave Chappelle. I believe this is because they are funny. Funny people do not need to
hide their identities behind face paint, jumpsuits and wigs. People who become clowns know
that they are not funny. People who rob banks cover their faces and use disguises so they don't
get arrested. Clowns cover their faces and use disguises because they know that they are not
funny. And let's not forget about John Wayne Gacy. He was a clown.

As President, I do not intend to discriminate against clowns beyond what I have already laid
down in my campaign materials. In fact, I feel a minor (small, very small) kinship with the clown
community as many detractors of my candidacy have referred to me as a "clown". I take this as
a compliment, as my campaign is unfunny and serious, like a recurring case of genital herpes.
I also take it as an insult, as I do not hide behind make-up or try to obscure my identity by
climbing into small cars with fifteen of my friends.

Clowns have nothing to fear from a Willard presidency, beyond the long arm of the law (and
potentially the big ears of the law, if the FISA wire-tapping laws stay on the books).

Mr. Willard:
I heard rumblings from my associates.  You are saying that you will be tough on clown
crimes and that you will make a difference.  Your flip flopping on this wedge issue must stop
if you are to take our nations highest office.  For you to state that clowns are "harmless at
best" deeply offends law abiding Americans.  You have been trailing in the polls.  I attribute
this primarily to your looks, lack experience and your failure to stand tough on controversial
clown issues.  The economy is getting worse and clown crime is escalating.  These are
tough times, clowns are everywhere, and we need a standard-bearer.  

a very concerned citizen, Florida

Concerned Floridian,

I think if you'll review the record (the record of course being this web page), you'll see that I've
been very consistent in my position on clowns. It boils down to this; clowns, like male
cheerleaders or the comic strip Ziggy, are pretty creepy. However, if they abide by our laws and
regulations, they are welcome in the United States under a Willard regime. That being said, I do
take the threat of clown crime very seriously. To that end, I will propose additional funding for
new police cars that look normal-sized but can actually accommodate 20-25 clowns. I am not
only convinced that this will reduce the amount of clown crime in our societies, it will also
provide a much-needed economic boost to our very troubled economy.

Continued Clown Controversies - Oct 27, 2008