John McCain is a dangerous, crazy old man. Under no circumstances
should he be elected President of the United States. Well, there is one
circumstance in which he should be elected President of the United
States; if there are only two people left in the United States, and the
other person is Sarah Palin. You betcha, wink wink.

As a proud and dedicated American, I have taken it upon myself to
document (sometimes in detail, and sometimes even factually) the
reasons why John McCain should be put out to pasture at one of his
twelve houses. My "book", entitled
"John McCain Killed My Dog*",
lays out a clear, concise and utterly unassailable case against a McCain
presidency. Here are some excerpts:

Chapter 1: John McCain's Early Years
When John was a teenager, his communist tendencies began to alarm
his parents, so they decided to move the whole family back to the
United States. Being a bit of a sissy, John attended a boarding prep
school with lots of other rich knobs and pansies. John was recognized
for his wrestling prowess in high school, which is pretty creepy as it
means he was good at grabbing other pasty-faced, spoiled rich kids in
ways that many people would find inappropriate. While there is
nothing wrong with homosexuality, there are many people around the
world today who are still homophobic. If those people are American
and are eligible to vote, they should probably think twice before they
vote for a man who enjoyed groping teenage boys.

Chapter 3: John McCain's College Years
After graduating from Annapolis, John McCain started naval aviator
training in Pensacola, Florida. Why anyone would trust a guy who
graduated 894th out of 899 with expensive taxpayer-purchased planes
is beyond me, but I guess if your Dad and your Granddad are 4-star
admirals, things like that get taken care of, if you know what I’m
insinuating. If you don’t, I’m insinuating that he got preferential
treatment because of his successful father and grandfather.
Unfortunately for John McCain the younger, his father and
grandfather weren’t able to fly planes for him. This resulted in him
crashing twice and also running into some power lines. This would
have discouraged many sane people from pursuing a career that
involved flying planes, but for John McCain this was just the warm-up
phase of his aviational ineptitude.

After running out of planes to crash and things to fly into in Florida,
John McCain requested and received a combat assignment. Me
personally, I wouldn’t want to go into combat with a pilot who had
questionable patriotic values (remember, he was born in Panama),
who graduated 894th in a class of 899, and who had already crashed
two planes and flown into power lines, but I can think of two reasons
why his request was granted; First, maybe he cried to his famous and
successful Daddy and Grandpa and made them use their connections
to get him special treatment, like a plum combat assignment. That, or
his superiors figured the safest place for this dolt of a sailor was as far
away from our country as possible.

Chapter 5: John McCain's Initial Foray into Politics
After leaving the military and marrying a really rich lady, John
McCain decided that it was time for him to strike out on his own and
define himself as an individual separate from his militarily successful
father and grandfather, and from his financially successful wife. Just
kidding! He did what most gold-diggers do when the in-laws won’t let
the cash flow freely; he went to work for his father-in-law.

Most Americans would view a job working for their father-in-law at
his beer distributorship as a dream job. You get beer for free, and you
can do whatever you want because the big boss is your father-in-law
and so you don’t have to worry about getting fired. But most
Americans aren’t Panamanian-born communists who regularly crash
planes, like John McCain is. He decided that working for his father-in-
law at a beer distributorship was too taxing an occupation for him, so
he looked for a slightly easier job. When his hoped-for jobs of “official
bikini inspector” or “professional TV watcher” failed to materialize,
he decided he’d give politics a go.

Chapter 12: John McCain and Longevity
Old people are also notorious for losing their train of thought and
getting confused about things that they once had no trouble keeping
straight. I must confess that I often forget or get confused about many
things as well, but this happens almost exclusively when I have been
binge drinking. I have never heard John McCain say this, but I’d bet a
lot of money that instead of talking about e-mail, he talks about “the e-
mail”. And I bet if he loses Internet service wherever he is, he says
something like, “The Internet is broken” or “The e-mail is broken”.
John McCain has also recently become convinced that Iraq and
Pakistan share a common border, and he has demonstrated an
inability to distinguish between Sunni Muslims and Shia Muslims.
While this is not a bad thing if you’re discussing the Islamic religion
with your friends, or if you have some time to think about it while
considering your answer in “Final Jeopardy”, it is a bad thing if you
are (or want to become) President of the United States of America.

Stop John McCain Now!!