John McCain is a dangerous, crazy old man. Under no circumstances should he be elected President of the United States. Well, there is one circumstance in which he should be elected President of the United States; if there are only two people left in the United States, and the other person is Sarah Palin. You betcha, wink wink.
As a proud and dedicated American, I have taken it upon myself to document (sometimes in detail, and sometimes even factually) the reasons why John McCain should be put out to pasture at one of his twelve houses. My "book", entitled "John McCain Killed My Dog*", lays out a clear, concise and utterly unassailable case against a McCain presidency. Here are some excerpts:
Chapter 1: John McCain's Early Years When John was a teenager, his communist tendencies began to alarm his parents, so they decided to move the whole family back to the United States. Being a bit of a sissy, John attended a boarding prep school with lots of other rich knobs and pansies. John was recognized for his wrestling prowess in high school, which is pretty creepy as it means he was good at grabbing other pasty-faced, spoiled rich kids in ways that many people would find inappropriate. While there is nothing wrong with homosexuality, there are many people around the world today who are still homophobic. If those people are American and are eligible to vote, they should probably think twice before they vote for a man who enjoyed groping teenage boys.
Chapter 3: John McCain's College Years After graduating from Annapolis, John McCain started naval aviator training in Pensacola, Florida. Why anyone would trust a guy who graduated 894th out of 899 with expensive taxpayer-purchased planes is beyond me, but I guess if your Dad and your Granddad are 4-star admirals, things like that get taken care of, if you know what I’m insinuating. If you don’t, I’m insinuating that he got preferential treatment because of his successful father and grandfather. Unfortunately for John McCain the younger, his father and grandfather weren’t able to fly planes for him. This resulted in him crashing twice and also running into some power lines. This would have discouraged many sane people from pursuing a career that involved flying planes, but for John McCain this was just the warm-up phase of his aviational ineptitude.
After running out of planes to crash and things to fly into in Florida, John McCain requested and received a combat assignment. Me personally, I wouldn’t want to go into combat with a pilot who had questionable patriotic values (remember, he was born in Panama), who graduated 894th in a class of 899, and who had already crashed two planes and flown into power lines, but I can think of two reasons why his request was granted; First, maybe he cried to his famous and successful Daddy and Grandpa and made them use their connections to get him special treatment, like a plum combat assignment. That, or his superiors figured the safest place for this dolt of a sailor was as far away from our country as possible.
Chapter 5: John McCain's Initial Foray into Politics After leaving the military and marrying a really rich lady, John McCain decided that it was time for him to strike out on his own and define himself as an individual separate from his militarily successful father and grandfather, and from his financially successful wife. Just kidding! He did what most gold-diggers do when the in-laws won’t let the cash flow freely; he went to work for his father-in-law.
Most Americans would view a job working for their father-in-law at his beer distributorship as a dream job. You get beer for free, and you can do whatever you want because the big boss is your father-in-law and so you don’t have to worry about getting fired. But most Americans aren’t Panamanian-born communists who regularly crash planes, like John McCain is. He decided that working for his father-in- law at a beer distributorship was too taxing an occupation for him, so he looked for a slightly easier job. When his hoped-for jobs of “official bikini inspector” or “professional TV watcher” failed to materialize, he decided he’d give politics a go.
Chapter 12: John McCain and Longevity Old people are also notorious for losing their train of thought and getting confused about things that they once had no trouble keeping straight. I must confess that I often forget or get confused about many things as well, but this happens almost exclusively when I have been binge drinking. I have never heard John McCain say this, but I’d bet a lot of money that instead of talking about e-mail, he talks about “the e- mail”. And I bet if he loses Internet service wherever he is, he says something like, “The Internet is broken” or “The e-mail is broken”. John McCain has also recently become convinced that Iraq and Pakistan share a common border, and he has demonstrated an inability to distinguish between Sunni Muslims and Shia Muslims. While this is not a bad thing if you’re discussing the Islamic religion with your friends, or if you have some time to think about it while considering your answer in “Final Jeopardy”, it is a bad thing if you are (or want to become) President of the United States of America.