As a seasoned voter in local, regional, state and national elections, I have
noticed that there is a lot of confusion related to who's running for what, how a
particular ballot initiative affects anyone and what the Hell a state comptroller
(why aren't they called state "controllers") is?

If you're like me and you're a "real American", you probably not only don't
know what the positions on the ballot are, you also have no idea who the
people on the ballot are. If you are an "elitist" and you actually know
something about the things you're voting on, then you should watch more
sports on TV, shut your yapping pie-hole and move to Russia.

I have prepared my version of a voter's guide to help guide your votes as you
enter the voting booth on November 4th. This document is not legally
binding, and it may not be valid in Kentucky, Wyoming and the U.S. Virgin
Islands. For everyone else, you should read and learn. Feel free to print this
page out and bring it with you into the voting booth, as this is now
permissible (at least at my house).

Propositions -
You should vote against any and all propositions on your ballot.
Generally speaking, propositions are things that will end up costing you money
if they pass. If everyone stops voting for propositions, maybe the "powers that
be" will notice, and they'll stop putting propositions on the ballot. I don't know
about you, but I have better things to do than spend all day in a voting booth
reading ballot propositions.

The President - It's clear to anybody who has bothered to read my web site, or
my book, or my other book or even my other book, that I am the real deal and
the only person worthy of your vote in the 2008 presidential election. However,
there are still dolts, dunderheads and assorted other ignoramuses and idiots who
continue to insist that there are other viable candidates in this election. They
speak in buzz words like "better qualified", "capable of governing" and "sane and
rational" to try and discount my candidacy. Open your eyes, people! If you
haven't voted before you have the chance to vote for me and make history. If you
have voted before, read below and think again about how you plan to vote on
November 4th.

If you have voted in the past two elections, you should think about your past
votes as you enter the voting booth this year. If you voted for George W. Bush in
2004, you more than likely also voted for him in 2000. If you voted for George W.
Bush twice, you are probably planning on voting for John McCain. Before you
do so, you should think about the fact that you voted twice for a moron who
started multiple wars, raised government spending while cutting taxes, and who
almost single-handedly destroyed the world economy. With that kind of track
record, maybe you should just sit this vote out. Either that, or vote for me, Brad

If you voted for John Kerry in 2004, you probably also voted for Al Gore in 2000.
If you voted for Kerry and Gore, you are probably planning on voting for Barack
Obama. Before you do so, you should think about the fact that you voted for
two losers who got more votes than George W. Bush, but still managed to "lose"  
elections to that moron. With that kind of track record, maybe you should just
sit this vote out. Either that, or vote for me, Brad Willard.

Other Positions on the Ballot
If a guy uses his middle name on the ballot, like "Billy Bob Thornton" he is a
redneck and is probably running for a position where he gets to legally carry a
gun. Do not vote for guys who use their middle names on the ballot!
If a lady uses a hyphen in her name on the ballot, like "Carol
Keeton-Strayhorn-Rylander-McClelland", she is probably a crazy lady who only
thinks about her political career and as a result she has been married and
divorced multiple times. Do not vote for ladies who use a hyphen in their names
on the ballot! And if a guy uses a hyphenated name on the ballot, he is either
French or a major league sissy-boy (or maybe both). You should never ever vote
for a guy who uses a hyphenated name on the ballot!

If you are looking at down-ballot positions like "Sheriff", "Constable" or "Judge",
all the candidates probably have essentially the same views on all the issues
facing your particular locality. Therefore, I recommend you vote for the candidate
with the coolest or funniest sounding name. If you live in Minnesota and have a
choice between "Michele Bachmann" or "Elwyn Tinklenberg", then you clearly go
with Tinklenberg. If you live in Arizona and your choice is between "John
McComish" and "Frank Schmuck", it's not a totally obvious choice but in the end
you go with the Schmuck.

All that being said, you should always remember to prioritize the "don't vote for
middle name guys or hypen ladies" rule over the "vote for cool and funny
sounding name" rule.

If none of the candidates have cool or funny names, you should vote for the
candidate from the most obscure party available. Usually you'll have lots of
Democrats and Republicans, so try to avoid voting for those people. The basic
rule of thumb I use is:

1) Libertarians trump Democrats and Republicans
2) Green party candidates trump Libertarians (and therefore also Democrats and
3) Constitutional party candidates trump Green party candidates (and therefore
all the other parties listed above)
4) Any other non-listed parties trump all the other parties listed here

Straight Party Voting
Straight ticket voting is for ninnies and losers. Straight ticket voting tells the
world that you are not a thinker or a "country first" kind of person. Even if you
plan on voting for all the Constitutional party candidates (which you should
only do if they have funnier or cooler names than their opponents), you should
still place each vote individually. This lets the people voting beside you and
behind you know that you are a concerned citizen who takes voting and the
issues seriously. Plus, it makes everyone behind you wait longer, which
ultimately makes their voting experience more satisfying.

Write-In Votes
I am a firm believer in exercising the Constitutional right to write-in people
otherwise not on the ballot. I'm particularly in favor of write-in votes when the
name being written in is "Brad Willard". I encourage all of you to not only
write-in "Brad Willard" for President, but also for every other position on your
ballot if you can. I also encourage you to write-in "Brad Willard" instead of "yes"
or "no" on any ballot propositions if you can (this is the only instance where you
should not vote "no" on a ballot proposition, by the way).

Candy After Voting
I am a firm believer that you should get candy after you vote. For me, voting is
like going to hang out with your grandmother; it's not always fun, but in your
heart you know it's the right thing to do. And whenever I hung out with my
grandmother, she always gave me candy. Most voting precincts do not give you
candy after you vote. If your precinct does not give you candy after you vote,
you should loudly and repeatedly ask each and every precinct worker why you
didn't get any candy even though you voted.