Is there an issue important to you where you'd like details on my
position? Do you have a question that you would like a man of my
vast life experiences to answer honestly and openly? Send your
question to firstname.lastname@example.org and check back periodically to see
responses to your and other's questions....
Dear Mr. Willard, I hope this note finds you well. I've been reading up on some of your
positions and you are exactly the breath of fresh air this country needs. I am quite curious to
know what your stance is on Vegetarians. As you doubtless know, these whacko's are the
root cause of the worst thing in the history of history - GLOBAL WARMING (dum de dum dum)!
It's so obvious, but all of the "mainstream" candidates just ignore the facts. Cows fart. Alot.
And when they do, it is stinky. But worse, Cow Farts are full of methane gas. Which causes
GLOBAL WARMING (dum de dum dum). If these tree-hugging hippies would put down the
sprouts & wheat grass and sink their teeth into a big, juicy, rare hunk of cow, we can eliminate
the #1 cause of GLOBAL WARMING (dum de dum dum). Mr. Willard, I live near the ocean. I'm
very frightened. Please help us. Please lead us on this issue - Al Gore is afraid to.
Sincerely, Bob S, Battery Park, NY
Great question, Bob! If you’ve read my blog on the environment, you probably already know that I
am a firm believer in balancing the rights of the individual together with the collective responsibility
we all share with regards to our country and our planet. Although I don’t associate socially or
professionally with a lot of “tree-hugging hippies” (I think primarily because I have a for-profit job
that does not involve hemp or organic produce farming), I don’t begrudge them their right to live
whatever crazy lifestyle they so choose.
My major issue with vegetarians stems from the fact that I believe they are messing with the
natural order of things. In my opinion, man has dominion over animals; this holds true with the
notable exception of animals like bears or tigers or elephants that can sneak up on us and maim
or kill us. My experience has shown that there aren’t a lot of restaurants serving up bear, tiger or
elephant meat on the daily special, which is in keeping with the natural order of things. We respect
the fact that they are more powerful creatures than we are, and we go out of our way to avoid
encountering these wild animals. Generally speaking, we Americans like to chow down on cows,
chickens, lambs, possums and whatever animal(s) they use to make hot dogs. Why? Because we
are higher than these animals on the food chain. As such, I believe that these animals should go
out of their way to avoid encountering us. But they don’t. In the United States, they wander around
aimlessly, often times right into the path of humans. Having spent some time in India, where cows
are essentially off the menu, the cows have gotten such an attitude that they roam the streets with
impunity, often disrupting or even stopping traffic whenever they feel like doing so.
It is my belief that when a living being feels comfortable, it is more likely to pass gas whenever it
feels like doing so (think about it; nobody farts when they’re dating…only after they get married do
they feel okay letting rip whenever the urge arises). By letting cows feel that they are free from the
natural order of things (i.e. the food chain), and by letting them create these traffic jams in rapidly
industrializing India, they contribute much more to global warming than the animals that eat us or
that we eat. On a related note, I think we humans have it too good today. So I will work as
President to ensure that no legislation is enacted on my watch that makes it illegal for bears,
tigers or elephants to eat people. Fair is fair, after all…
Mr. Willard: I've been searching your website and I have yet to find anything that conveys your
position on clowns. I'm not only talking about the evil ones, but the deceptive clowns that we
all know are evil but hide behind their painted on smiles. I'm sick of these clowns chasing me
down the street every night, trespassing, and breaking into my home with immunity from the
law. By the time the police arrive, they are always gone. New laws must be enacted. Please
tell me what you would do if elected.
- a very concerned citizen, Florida
Good question, concerned citizen! Let me begin by noting that the clown issue is an issue that my
supporters bring up time and time again, and I don’t hear any of the other candidate’s supporters
asking these same probing questions. I attribute this to the level of education, sophistication and
primarily medication that my supporters have, and that my opponent’s supporters don’t.
That being said, I take clown crime (and even clown shenanigans) very seriously. Not only do
clowns scare little children every day (and I’ll take this opportunity to point out that the children are
our future), but many of them choose to paint frowns on their faces. This not only scares little kids,
it also scares older Americans as well as several regular Americans. As President, I will pressure
Congress to enact the toughest clown laws that the Constitution allows. As part of this legislation,
I will not only insist that clowns register with local law enforcement when they come to your town,
but will also require the same of all circus participants (including lion tamers, trapeze artists and
guys who get shot out of cannons). And I will escalate these requirements even further so that they
cover carney workers, like bat boy, the bearded lady and the guy who guesses your
height/weight/age. Finally, I will push through legislation to make it illegal for anyone to make
balloon animals that don’t actually look like an actual animal.
As President, I know that my positions vis a vis clowns are largely symbolic. However, I promise to
make it clear to all circus and carnival workers that they are welcome members of American
society, as long as they agree to abide by our existing (and my new proposed) legislation.
Brad, What is your plan to deal with the Millennial generation’s sense of entitlement?
- John I, Denver, CO
Good question, John! Much like the education or nutrition question, many people look at this issue
and compare Americans to the rest of the world. We are lagging behind many so-called "civilized
nations", like Finland and Hong Kong, when it comes to subjects like math, chess, spelling and
American History. I would like to invest American resources into bringing our children up to the
same level as the rest of the world, but I honestly believe that would require us to raise taxes and
that would draw the ire and scorn of the masses in our country. So my plan is to not focus on
elevating our citizens, but rather to drive efforts to lower the standards in other countries. As
President, I will devote substantial resources on lowering expectations and standards throughout
the rest of the world to a level that is below what we expect in these great United States. I will do
this primarily by subsidizing the broadcast of programs like "Two and a Half Men", "The Hills" and
several FOX network reality TV shows (like "Hell's Kitchen") throughout the world. My belief is, if we
do this for 18-24 months, we will so dumb down the rest of the world that our American
shortcomings and expectations will no longer stand out as extreme or outlandish in comparison
to the rest of the world. And if this fails to work, I will not hesitate to use our military might to
achieve my objective. Good night, and God Bless!
Question: In order to have a better picture of your abilities and leadership skills during times of
need, which superhero would you say is closer to your likeness? explain. thank you.
- Loreni-girl, Texas
Good question, Loreni! I have often been compared to superheroes, sometimes for my charm,
sometimes for my wit, sometimes for my good looks, but mostly for my stamina, endurance and
commitment to all that which is right and good. To be honest, I don't think there is a superhero out
there that offers the total package like Brad Willard. However, if I had to compare myself to
superheroes, I would have to say that I have the strength of Superman, the coolness of Batman,
the ability to appeal to women of Xena (the Warrior Princess) and the ability to communicate with
fish of Aquaman. Also, I am able to do all that the Wonder Twins (and their monkey Gleep) can do,
even though I am but one man. Finally, I am much better with children than any of TV's
Glad to see that you're running again - you have my vote! As you know, many Presidents have
pet dogs. I am reminded of FDR's "Fala" and I am wondering what your take is on pet dogs.
- Jim M , Washington
Good question, Jim! Through the years, our Presidents have been defined as much by their pets
as by their policy decision. Quick, name one thing that Franklin Delano Roosevelt did as
President... You can't come up with anything, can you? But you do remember the name of his
Scottish Terrier, which proves my point.
I have to admit that, looking back through the annals of presidential pets, we haven't had a really
impressive bunch. A Scottish Terrier (FDR), a Weimaraner (Eisenhower), a Springer Spaniel
(George H.W. Bush), even a cat for God's sake (Bill Clinton, before he was presidentially peer-
pressured into getting his Chocolate Lab Buddy). Dogs may be loyal and they may be man's best
friend, but none of those dogs would scare me or make me think that their owner is the most
powerful person in the free world.
If I am elected, I will use the titular office of "First Pet" to send a clear and unmistakable message
to the world; "my pet is powerful, and so am I! Do not mess with me, my pet or my country!". To that
end, one of my first acts upon taking the oath of office will be to procure a pet lion. It will be a male
lion, and I will name him Hannibal in honor of the guy who crossed the Alps on elephants, as well
as the guy who so effectively led the A-Team, and even the crazy guy who eats people in "The
Silence of the Lambs". I think I'll have a stronger negotiating position with foreign leaders and
dignitaries when they come to visit the White House and I show them my ferocious pet lion. And
more importantly, I think terrorists and evil-doers will think twice before they mess with a President
who keeps a lion as a pet.
Hi Mr. Willard,
My name's Timmy and I'm a sick boy who doesn't have health care. I noticed that you favor the
drug companies over patients and that you think health care should only be available to the
rich, the super-rich, and the stupendously-super-rich. How will your health plan help me get
over my sickness? Thank you in advance for your form letter reply,
- Timmy, Sick Boy
Good question, Timmy! First off, I think you have me confused with Bush/Clinton/McCain/Obama.
They all tell you they'll help you, but they all suck up to the pharmaceutical companies and health
care providers to get the massive donations they need to run their campaigns. While I am a firm
believer in a free market economy, I also believe that individual citizens and corporations have an
obligation to play an active role in improving the overall lot of all our citizens. Further, I believe that
we have an obligation to help those less fortunate than us (i.e. non-Americans), with the notable
exception of French people.
Now not knowing exactly what your sickness (you were a little vague with the details in your note), I
would first advise you not to pick at it or scratch it, and I would also suggest you try some balms,
salves and appropriate lotions. But at a more universal level (after all, you aren't the only sick little
boy in this country), my philosophy on health care is predicated on one fundamental goal; keeping
me from getting sick. To me, this means keeping other people from getting sick so they don't
make me sick, or make someone else sick who might then in turn make me sick. So the primary
focus of my health care plan is to prevent the spread of infectious illnesses and diseases. I also
recognize, however, that there are indeed sick people in our country who present no real danger to
me, but yet still require medical assistance for their own well-being. For conditions like these, I
plan on laying mega-guilt trips on really rich people like Warren Buffet, Bill Gates, Mark Cuban,
etc., to the point that they pony up some serious cash to help with research and treatment costs.
We can even name these organizations after them ("The Gates Foundation", as an example). I
think you'll agree (at least you will if you get the treatment you need) that this is a "win/win"
proposal for all Americans.